Why can’t I overdraw my emotional bank account?

Unlike a bank account our emotional bank accounts cannot be overdrawn. Yet, so many of us try to do just that. We’re on the go so much of the time that, eventually, our batteries run down. Then instead of taking the time to recharge our batteries we wonder why we don’t have any energy. We think we should have an endless reservoir of energy to draw on like we did when we were kids.

Obviously, overdrawing our emotional bank accounts does not work, so what’s the remedy? How do we recharge ourselves and still meet all of our obligations? Well, I am in the middle of such an episode, so I’ll share with you how I got here and what I am doing about it. I have just gone through an incredibly busy eight month period. It ended in early January when we completed our move into our new office. I was proud of what I had accomplished, but totally spent emotionally.

What to do? Generally, I have several steps to take in order to restore my balance when I get out of whack like I did recently. Hopefully, they will prove useful to you:

1) Tell everyone you care about that you feel drained. Tell them that until you get the wind back in your sails you may feel somewhat disengaged compared to your normal self. This lets them know not to take your behavior personally and it lets you conserve your emotional energy without hurting other people’s feelings.

2) Look at your calendar. Get everything off of it that isn’t essential.

3) Put things on your calendar that are designed only to put a smile on your face. For example, I called a friend in California earlier this month. I spent $240 on a round trip plane ticket, and went out to see him for three days. It was wonderful! Great to see my friend and great to relax in the sun for a few days.

4) Take time to be quiet every day. This can really be relaxing.

5) Exercise daily, even if it’s just a walk.

It may seem to you like the above steps are a luxury you cannot afford. But think about this. When an airliner loses pressurization, passengers are instructed to place the oxygen mask on themselves before assisting anyone else. Are you getting enough oxygen?

Facing Crisis

Here's a true story, without the details: Last night, I failed.

By the time I received the text message, it was already too late.

I blew it.

I was instantly thrown into emotional crisis.
With good reason.

During those first moments last night, I felt: How could this have happened? How could I have failed so miserably? How could I have disappointed a friend?

More generally, I felt: I just don't get it. Am I incompetent?

I felt very alone, disconnected from others. I was downgraded to defensive independence from communal interdependence.

Here's what I did to regain my equanimity.
I learned these methods from Steve Anderson. With a Ph.D. in behavioral psychology, Steve trains leaders. Several years ago, Steve was my coach.

Several months ago, he encouraged me to coach others. He taught me these models, from the coach's point of view.

So, I'm a coach. And, since you are reading, I'm starting with you.

Here we go. Watch me. I'll be your laboratory mouse.

Reaction Model
First, I must regain some balance. I must stop tripping over myself. This model helps:

1. Acknowledge what I am feeling.
2. Accept that my emotions are valid. It is not my goal to stifle my emotions, but rather to understand them.
3. Assess what is happening and make a plan. (See the next model below.) How can this moment be turned toward everyone's advantage?
4. Act on that plan. Prove that I have learned something (anything!) by adapting my behavior.

Though the steps are numbered, in practice the model isn't so linear. It's circular. Last night, I went through the model immediately, then — as my emotions returned to overwhelm me — I repeated it about six times during the next 30 minutes. Each time was slower and more thoughtful. I saw patterns which refined and confirmed my plan.

The third step is the most complex. How do I assess what is happening?

When I am again breathing normally, the following model is helpful with the assessment.

Emotional Intelligence
When I face moments of confusion, crisis, or fierce independence (rather than collaborative interdependence), I consider this model.

Click to see it larger:

The order (in the diagram) is in real time.
A: Stuff happens.
B: I perceive the event through my own lens, my own beliefs.
C: I feel good or bad, depending on how the event agrees with my beliefs.
D: My actions are supported or hindered by my emotions.

When I apply this model — during those delicious moments of emotional intelligence — my sequence is out of the real-time order:

C: Consequent Emotion.
What am I feeling? What is my emotion? Might be positive. Might be negative. What is it? Is my blood boiling? Do I feel rejected? Am I angry? Am I frustrated? Note these emotions. They are valid. They are not simply human frailties. They are very useful signals.

A: Activating Event.
Look upstream. Something happened that has led me to this moment of Sturm und Drang. What was that event? Specifically, objectively, what happened?

B: Belief System.
If this is a moment of negative emotions (C), here is the disconnect. I deeply believe something and the event contradicted that belief. What is that belief? Is that belief still valid?

"Some of our beliefs were valid when they were given to us. Like this one: Son, if you want to get something done right, do it yourself. That made sense at the time. It was well intentioned and functional. Now, three decades later, we find that we can't trust our colleagues, we can't delegate, we are independent to a fault. Why? This belief is no longer valid and must be destroyed and replaced."
— Steve Anderson

D: Dependent Behavior.
The test of whether I am living functionally and healthfully is right here. Is my behavior informed by positive emotions?

Is Change Possible?
After 40 years of clashing with the world, I have found that my beliefs are not so fixed and rigid. I have enormous ability to adapt my beliefs. And it isn't caving or compromise. It's rational and mature. It's part of being a (nearly) fully formed adult.

"The common trait of all authentic leaders is that they have an unusual ability to tolerate and learn from mistakes. To do this, they have learned to sit with pain and not panic."
— Steve Anderson

This takes practice.

I'm practicing right now.

A Mantra
Along the way, I remind myself of the wisdom of a mentor who — years ago — heard my description of my crisis du jour. He responded with a perspective that comes only with the long view of age:

"If I had known it wasn't going to kill me, I wouldn't have been so freaked out all the time."

Do you know someone?
If you know folks who are experienced enough to be ready for change — and energetic and determined enough to do the hard work change requires — then send them to us.

Even you. Especially you.